The EXEGETIST: A Library Of Independent Political Thought. By: Jack H. Dawsey

Twelve -Reasons (astrological reasons) Not To Be A Member of the Democrat or Republican Party

(A Little Satire -Good For The Soul)

1.  Aquarius (January 20-February 18).  If you are born under this sign and choose to be a Republican, you are more imaginative than most.  That explains your habitual habit of being less than honest on political issues.  Aquarian Republicans have no sex appeal but that’s a fortunate trait because they have no sex drive.   

 2.  Pisces (February 19-March 20).  Pisces Democrats too are imaginative, but that trait stems from their own warped view of reality.  Most Pisces are left-handed.  If not, it’s because their mother lied to them in a cover-up.   Advice: Good time to search for your real father.

 3.  Aries (March 21-April 19).  If you are an Aries Republican, you probably keep empty chick-filet bags under the front seat of your car.  And most likely carry a claw-hammer and two walnuts on the dashboard.  Advice: Don’t quit your day job.

 4.  Taurus (April 20-May20).  If you are a Taurus Democrat, chances are you have no clue, but don’t worry.  Friends pretend not to notice.  Research reveals if leave home and migrate to Washington, DC, that the IQ of the whole county will rise 5 points.  Advice:  Today is a good time to quit school and ask for a rebate on your education claiming, “I got gypped!”

 5.  Gemini (May 21-June 20).  Gemini Republicans are extraordinarily articulate, but ugly. Friends are enamored with the intelligence in someone so ugly.  You are known among co-workers at the office as the “horse’s butt.”  Advice: It’s time for plastic surgery and a good time to buy breath mints.

 6.  Cancer (June 21-July 22). Cancer Democrats and Republicans claim to be fiscal conservatives.  But what they mean by that term is: “They’re conservative in the spending of their own money, but very liberal when spending yours.”  Advice: Don’t leave home without your neighbor’s credit card.

 7.  Leo (July 23-August 22).  The parents of Leo Republicans gave their children no toys, nor provided them a balanced meal.  Leo’s had to wear “hand-me-downs” even though they were the oldest child.  Advice:  Check career opportunities as a door-greeter with your local Super Store.

 8.  Virgo (August 23-September 22).  Virgo Democrats can be trained to be fairly good school bus drivers.  And they are reasonably successful at selling shoes.  Advice: Rent a “how-to” video.

 9.  Libra (September 23-October 22). Libra Republicans have the dubious distinction of friends having parties, without them. Another secret: Dale Carnegie doesn’t like them.  

 10.  Scorpio (October 23-November 21). A Scorpio Democrat is optimistic, enthusiastic, and ambitious, but has no talent.  Scorpios have husbands who cheat.  Advice:  Now is the time to spy on your husband.

 11. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21).  Sagittarius Republicans are attracted to same-sex partners, while imagining they are the opposite sex.  Advice: Good time to search for your real father.

 12.  Capricorn (December 22-January 19).  Capricorn Democrats are clever but cannot discern the real world.  Their Democrat friends would pity them, but never think about it.  Advice: Best time for sulking is after reading this article.            dawseyjh@embarqmail.com